As you might expect from our three big mistakes men make that make “hanging out” with girls not work out so well for them when it comes to getting said girls into their beds, the inverse of these – the three things you really want to do – are what makes you able to hang out with a girl and stumble casually, effortlessly, and naturally into bed.
Here they are – the three (3) things you must do if you want to use the “hang out date” and have it end well:
- Be exciting, not “friendly”
- Escalate her investment
- Get the timing right
Here’s the skinny on each.
This is the primary problem of new guys just starting out: they can’t be anything but friendly for the lives of them.This is the big thing that lands them into the friend zone, too.When you combine “be exciting, not friendly” with “escalate her investment”, you rule yourself right out of the friend zone.
A girl might tell you you’re friends.
But when she does it with you, it will be in the same way that the girl tells the sexual man who is leading her and calling the shots that, “You know we are just friends,” even as she submits to his advances and begins to kiss him back and touch him.
The kind of men women hang out with in non-platonic ways do the following things with them:
They make their interactions all about interpersonal fun and excitement... fun and excitement between these two people.
What do regular guys do? They try to concoct some sort of external fun:
... all of which says something very clear about them: “I’m not so fun myself, so let me find some other fun things that will interest you,” perhaps, or, “I don’t think our connection is very strong yet so let’s meet in public because I know you don’t trust me.”
The cool guy? The one she laughs with, gets turned on by, and ultimately goes to bed with – maybe even eases into a relationship with?
He doesn’t do that stuff so much. He doesn’t need that stuff so much.
Because his source of fun and excitement is his own personality, and his interactions with her. He creates fun out of thin air – just add him and her.And most of that fun and excitement is created through flirting, intrigue, and sexual innuendo.
This is how two opposite sex adults have real fun.
Whether it’s the initial banter he has with her in person or over the phone before telling her to come hang out, or it’s what they do while kicking back in his bachelor pad, he is creating fun with her by flirting with her, teasing her, bantering with her, and just generally enjoying himself with her ;her and gets to know her as well too, of course; a balance of flirting and connection is what works best).
That’s why a girl will opt to just hang out with a fun and exciting guy who:
... any day over the less-interesting guy who wants to take her ice-skating or bowling. While that guy shakes his head and says, “Women don’t make sense – I offered her a way more enjoyable time that that lazy dude who just wants to sit around with her,” the first guy knows: women don’t want the external bells and whistles; they want crackling interpersonal interaction.
If you want to know how to hang out with a girl as effortlessly as possible: it’s not about being friendly or nice. It’s not about finding fun things to do or fill the time with. It’s about being fun, by creating fun between you and her.
In other words: the kind of man a woman hangs out with without ever chucking him into the ‘platonic guy pals’ box (and even eventually goes on to sleep with) is the guy she could be trapped alone with in a 6’x6’ box with nothing inside except the two of them, and she’d end up having the time of her life anyway because this is a man who creates experiences without toys, places, or props.
As you’re no doubt well aware if you’ve been a reader here for sometime, making progress toward physical intimacy is all about her investment, not yours.The greater the investment asked for, the more a woman needs to feel that you are:
... first. This is why a man who is highly adept with women can tell girls, “Hey, let’s just hang out,” and the girl bites. It’s also why a guy she likes and is comfortable with (say, someone she met on her college dorm room floor, or her neighbor she always crosses paths with in her apartment building) can pull this off even if he isn’t yet an über-player if they happen to be in one of those conducive-to-hanging-out situations where “hanging out” is not as big of an investment on her part (because it’s more ‘normal’).A big part of the reason that it’s reasonably common for many college students to get laid in college quite a bit, even if they didn’t take on that many partners before and won’t take on that many after, is because of the comfort, familiarity, and straightforward logistics living in a university provides. You see the same effect on things like group tours abroad, or if you live in an apartment complex geared toward young adults.If she judges you sufficiently valuable for her tastes – and value includes things like:
... and she judges you sufficiently attainable to her as a prospective lover – and she isn’t otherwise conservative or sexually fearful or grooming you as her next boyfriend – you can often get her over to hang out directly at your place as early as the first time you meet up.re are personality / lifestyle exceptions to this. e.g., the professional woman who does not “hang out” and doesn’t socialize much and is always on the girl. Even if you are the coolest, most attractive man in the world, telling her you want to “hang out” will often get you met with confused skepticism, followed by a suggestion: “Er, you want to just ‘hang out’? You mean like not do anything? How about we head downtown instead?” This can just be because she’s used to being on the go and “doing something” all the time and isn’t the sort to just switch off, kick back, and enjoy downtime. Most women’s lives aren’t nearly this hectic, though.Getting her to come over to your place to hang out requires her to be pretty comfortable with you first much of the time. However, if you’ve got your loose ends tied up, all this usually means is:A good, solid 5- to 10-minute interaction when you first meet her
During both of these, of course, you’ve been flirting, bantering, building a bit of a connection (but not too deep... save that for the hang out... or maybe even after you’re already lovers if there’s enough of an “it’s on” vibe there when you’re hanging out and going deeper risks derailing that).You’ve also been escalating investment.How do you do that? Any number of ways:
Throughout these two (or a few more if you like... but two is usually all you need) interactions, you’ve been having a lot of fun flirting with her... but you’ve also been raising her investment levels.As you proceed, and she becomes more and more at ease following your lead, the investment of her coming over to just hang out with you becomes an easier and easier thing for her to do.there, continually escalating her investment (now including getting her comfortable with youtouching her, since you’re in-person now) both keeps you out of the friend zone and builds tension and sexual intrigue fast.That’s because she doesn’t put in work for her platonic male friends. THEY put in work for HER.If there’s a man she is flirting with... and bantering with... and having a good time with... and she is investing in him... following his lead... and doing what he asks her to... that man is no platonic friend to her.He is a man she is in the midst of courtship rituals with. The two of them are preparing to mate.He is the magician, and she is entranced.#3: Get the Timing Right
Here’s the last one that guys mess up trying to pull off the “hang out with a girl and casually hook up with her” bit:getting the timing off.Two ways that goes awry:
- Waiting too long and letting attraction expire
- Jumping the gun and moving too aggressively, too soon
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But let’s talk about the second point.Normally I advise you to err on the side of being overbold; if you’re unsure what to do, forge ahead.Take the bold move.Make something happen.
Women are a hundred times more forgiving of men who move too aggressively forward with them than they are with men who do not move forward aggressively enough. If you must miss the mark, miss on the side of being over-aggressive.
Yet, doing a super casual hang out date with a girl requires you to be more or less on-the-mark with your timing with girls, with a slimmer margin for error.
That’s because:Your timing must be right for her to agree to a hang out – because if she isn’t completely comfortable with you, she’ll push to schedule a more conventional date instead
Your timing must be right to escalate during a hang out – she showed up expecting a horny man ready to make moves on her immediately, and she showed up prepared to defend against it or leave (unless she showed up super horny too), so you need to wait until she’s set those defenses aside, has settled in, and is comfortable with you and ready and waiting for it to happen... but hasn’t waited so long that she’s given up and gone cold
You can do things imperfectly and still get dates. Yet getting girls over to hang out takes a bit more finesse in most normal environments (though is rather easier in places like university, travel abroad, etc., where most people aren’t rushing around busy, have lots of free time, and everyone’s already hanging out with everybody else – so take advantage should you find yourself in such places).
That’s why I list this one as “rather advanced”, unless you happen to be in one of those places where “hanging out” is a more everyday occurrence.So how do you get the timing down right?Here’s how:
On your phone call with her, either:
- Ask her to come over and hang out on a high point (usually, she is laughing and clearly really enjoying talking to you), or
- End the call on a high point, and text her later on or the next day asking if she wants to head over and hang out
On the date, keep flirting and keep escalating her investment until she is either super close to you physically, or gives you some clear signals to proceed (then act on those signals, of course!)
Let’s set out some examples for the invite:Asking Her Out on the Phone[6 or 7 minutes in, phone call]
You: ... and thanks to those neighbors I decided I would never live above old people in an apartment building ever again.
Her: [laughing hard]
You: Ever had a downstairs neighbor like that?
Her: No, thank God!
You: You’re fortunate. Hey, you should head over and we’ll hang.
Her: Well, I’ve got to finish a few things up right now but I might be free later.
You: Cool. Let’s plan on hanging later. Say 6 o’clock? I’m near Deacon Street and Rosecrans at the Edgewood Apartments.
Her: Cool! I’ll text you when I’m on my way.
You: Perfect. See you in a bit.
Chatting on the Phone, Texting Her to Hang Later[6 or 7 minutes in, phone call]
You: ... and thanks to those neighbors I decided I would never live above old people in an apartment building ever again.
Her: [laughing hard]
You: Ever had a downstairs neighbor like that?
Her: No, thank God!
You: You’re fortunate. All right then; think it’s about time I moseyed on back to work.
Her: Okay. Good luck with work.
You: Ciao, Mona.
Her: Bye!
[the next day, via text]
You: Mona, I just scavenged the most incredible chip dip in the world from our office kitchen. Let’s hang tonight and share it.
Her: Haha, used office dip? Mmm...
You: You’ll understand when you try it. When do you get off work
Her: I think I should be free around 7.
You: Cool. I’m just off of Deacon and Rosecrans – the Edgewood Apartments. Bring chips if you have them or we can grab at the corner store nearby.
Her: I’ll text when I’m on my way.
You: See you in a bit.
Alternate: if you’re socializing with her in social circle and she’s seeming quite warm to you, you can just say, “Hey, we should hang out some time.” She’ll say yes, and you can say, “Cool, I’ll text you,” and take her number. Then just text her to find out when she’s free and see if she wants to come hang.On hang-out style escalation, there are a bunch of ways this can go, but here’s one example:She comes over and you give her a brief tour of the place
The two of you sit out on a patio or back porch and drink and chat
You invite her in for a movie, and up to your room to watch it where the TV is
You snuggle into bed and tell her to get under the covers with you with snacks and refreshments next to the bed on a nightstand while you watch the film
You escalate touch more and more under the covers until you’re kissing, and take it from there
Another approach:
Have her come over, plop down on the couch with her to chat
As she gets more comfortable, tell her to scoot over close to you because it feels like she’s on the other side of a river or something (assuming she kept a gap between you)
Gradually increase how much you’re touching her while increasing how much she’s investing
Ratchet up the tension to the point where she’s shooting hints and escalation windows at you... then kiss her
Get your timing right, and along with the other two pieces being in place you can make the “hang out” go down smoothly and sexually quite reliably.
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EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULESWorth keeping in mind: some situations, like
- University dorms
- Off-campus housing around universities
- Young professional apartment / party buildings
- Group trips abroad, like those of STA Travel or Under 30 Experiences
- Major vacation spots, like Cancun, Los Cabos, or Koh Phangan
If you’re not in one of these choice locations for easy hanging out, you’ve got a bit more work cut out for you, but that’s why I went into the detail I did with the post above (I’m just assuming you don’t have it easy – if you do, hopefully this was a good read but you won’t need to be nearly as exact about this stuff).And some environments, like super fast-paced cities, can be less conducive to the hang out than others – you’ll have a much easier time setting up hang outs in laid back beach towns than you will in fast-paced super metropolises (yet it can still be done in these places too, especially if you’re really nailing it on value and attainability while building up investment).Also for our “exceptions” list are women, like
... who will be difficult or impossible to get to come hang out with you no matter how good you are.So, be flexible. In some instance, the hang out will be the better choice. In others, a more standard casual first date is superior. (and I still can’t think of a time when the traditional dinner-date-at-a-fancy-restaurant date is the best choice for accomplishing anything)
SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDSWhen you’re first starting out, being friends is the worst place in the world for you to be, because the friend zone is like a black hole you get sucked into from which there is no escape.Two people staring at each other waiting for the magic show to start and it just never ever does.Yet, as you become increasingly attractive, you find you run into the quality problem of girls finding you tooattractive... and then getting too nervous, because they don’t want to mess up with you, or behaving too rigidly, awkward, or conservatively around you and you having difficulty getting them to put down their walls and just let things happen.This is the point when you start becoming “just friends” with girls again... only this time, you’re a sexual friend, who makes demands and gets her investing, and times his hanging out with her – and the advances he makes on her throughout that hang out – like a pro.That’s when you reach the point where girls who are seeing you have guys who want to date them ask them if they’re seeing anyone, and they tell them, “I have a friend.”It’s an ambiguous response to anyone who isn’t plugged in – but it’s clear as day to everybody else:“There’s a guy I hang out with... and sleep with.”You can always transition that into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship later on if you want to by gradually revealing the sides of yourself that she’d love to see in a boyfriend, and gradually letting her rope you into doing more boyfriend-girlfriend stuff... if it’s what you want.
... and doing things the effective way:
- Being exciting, not “friendly”
- Escalating her investment
- Getting the timing right
